“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
-Marshall Rosenberg
When I was sixteen, a teenage fantasy came true. My friend, Shelly Silver, with whom I’d been flirting at school (doing a pretty good job of sounding sophisticated and knowledgeable despite my woeful lack of experience with the opposite sex) came over to my house for lunch, and let me “fool around” with her. It started abruptly and ended quickly. I couldn’t tell you exactly what we did, but the mere opportunity to touch a girl was more than my head could fathom. Me, a geeky, nerdy kid being granted access to a sexy young woman was insanely dizzying. For the next couple days, my head swam with a combination of pride, disbelief, and gratitude. That is, until I got her letter.
While bragging about the incident to my friend, Mike, it arrived. I anticipated a friendly, conspiratorial and grateful message, but instead got something scathing and caustic. She called me pathetic and inept. She held nothing back; not her disappointment, not her judgment and not her anger.
I was crushed. Embarrassed. Humiliated. I couldn’t imagine anything worse.
After that, Shelly and I stopped talking. I’d been found out. She’d discovered my dirty secret; that I was a completely incompetent romancer of women. Not only did our friendship die, but so did my confidence in ever being desirable again. It was awful, and it lasted as a gaping wound for years.
Only when I’d grown much older, wiser and more experienced could I again look at that incident without cringing. Eventually, my humiliation turned to indignation as I thought about how unkind and cold Shelly had been. After all, I was young, inexperienced, awkward and…well, clueless. I’d never thought beyond getting a girl to let me touch her. It never occurred to me that I’d succeed, so I never really thought about what came next; how to touch her, her pleasure, the normal progression of events.
Maybe that incident was a good thing; maybe it helped me become a more patient and giving lover. Maybe it jarred me into awareness of my partners wants and needs. But, that still didn’t excuse what I’d been through or how she’d treated me.
And then, one June evening eleven years later, something amazing happened.
I was attending my ten year high school reunion that night, and I had decided that if I saw Shelly, I’d confront her. I had just taken a self development workshop, and I had been advised to express myself fully and resolve all incomplete communications. Not that I wanted to do it, but I felt I had to. So, it was with great apprehension that I attended the reunion.
My only hope was that she wouldn’t be there. I knew I couldn’t back out if she was, but if she wasn’t, it was out of my hands. Armed with that hope, I walked into the banquet hall, up to the registration table, and found myself face to face with Shelly, who was there signing everyone in! I plucked up my courage, and said, “Hey Shelly, when you have a minute, I’d like to talk to you.”
Later, she found me and asked what I wanted. I replayed the scene from a decade earlier, reminding her in detail of what had happened, how she’d hurt me, and how different it would have been if it had happened now (I had to get a plug in for what a stud I’d become!) I said that hearing such harsh words from an experienced woman like her had destroyed me.
She started to laugh.
Here was her interpretation of the same incident. This funny, charming and obviously experienced man (me!) had seduced her, a complete beginner in the world of love, begun to take her on a sensual journey, and then stopped abruptly. The only explanation she could fathom was that I’d suddenly lost interest in her or that I didn’t find her attractive. She was hurt and insulted… and she lashed out in her letter.
When she heard my side of it, and I heard hers, we both laughed at the stupidity of the whole thing. Eleven years of misery based on a complete misunderstanding of the facts.
That was the day I learned to reserve judgment.
Everything that happens in our lives is subject to interpretation. We judge everything based on our limited understanding of the facts. I’d allowed the wrath of an inexperienced girl scorned to look like the proclamation by a worldly woman of my inadequacy. She’d allowed the ineptitude of a goofy blowhard to look like rejection from a man of the world.
It’s like what I say in UnHypnosis. We don’t see the world as it is. We see it as we are. We have to suspend judgment and have at least some humility in recognizing our own faulty interpretations of the world.
Shelly and I became friends again. We shared stories and experiences, laughed, hugged, and yes, eventually even made love. It was wonderful…but it didn’t erase the fact that we’d lost eleven years of friendship because of misunderstanding and faulty judgment.
So, why am I telling you this exceedingly personal and embarrassing story?
Because I want you to look at your life and see where you’ve made judgments. Who have you written off? What have you chosen to see as impossible? What do you believe about yourself that may not be true?
That’s why I wrote UnHypnosis. I wanted people to see through their own misinterpretations and discover the incredible and wonderful beings they really are. I wanted them to heal their Shelly stories and find out the truth behind the pain they’ve inflicted on themselves and others.
Writing UnHypnosis was a work of pure love. It helped me know myself better. I’m told that reading it often does the same thing. It makes people laugh, cry, and find a hidden gem inside themselves. It’s so good, I can’t believe I wrote it!
If you haven’t already read it, I hope you do, and here’s why.
There’s something you’ve been holding on to that’s causing you pain and keeping you from the love you deserve. When you finally let go of that baggage and your life improves, what do you think the first thing you’ll say to yourself is? Why didn’t I do this sooner! UnHypnosis is all about how to get through the crap and leave the past where it belongs.
You might go through the rest of your life and never read another word I write. And if you don’t, I’ll still love you and appreciate you.
But, I KNOW you’ll be better off if you read this book. Promise! Don’t let years of your life slip away in misery. You may be a whole lot more amazing than you realize, and others you think don’t see it…just might.
For you, or for your friends who are struggling and suffering, click here.
Again, whatever you do, reserve judgment about yourself, your relationships and the world around you. Trust me. You’re amazing. Even Shelly thinks so!
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