As I write this, I’m sitting in the waiting room of the pain clinic of our local hospital. I’m waiting for my friend, Barry, to get an epidural injection for chronic back pain. It’s early, and I’m still in semi-sleep mode. Still, he needs me, so I’m here.
Let me think out loud with you for a few minutes. This isn’t a “planned message.” I don’t have a clear point; not that I know of… but I’ve experienced the phenomenon of self-discovery through writing often enough to trust that if I keep writing, something of value will land…and whatever it is will benefit us both.
Truth. It’s been a tough week for me. I flew from my home in Vermont to Denver, Colorado to address a wonderful company; Tomboy Tools. This is a group of women who are pioneers in a “man’s world.” They’re proud, fun, and open minded. They’re hungry for wisdom and business ideas.
But, it was tough for me because my energy and self-confidence are both at a low ebb. I wonder how it’s possible that I’ve gotten as far down the road I’ve been traveling and still have these thoughts and feelings. Some wounds never heal fully.
Long hours of travel, more hours waiting to present my material, plenty of time to compare myself to other speakers and find myself wanting, moments missing my dog interspersed with others looking into the mirror and seeing bags under my eyes…all erode my sense of genuine joy and spontaneity.
Now, as I sit here in the waiting room, As Tears Go By begins to play over the clinic PA system. Did someone magically read my mood and choose the most appropriately melancholy song in the world? Is it mere coincidence? And how often has my outer experience “magically” reflected my inner one?
Moods are all-consuming. They determine my outlook and my perception of reality. As I reflect on my presentation in Denver the other day, there are reasons to feel I made a positive impact. Several people came over to me to thank me for the message as they stood in line to have me autograph their books or pose for a picture with me. A quarter of the attendees opted to purchase my home study course. All signs of success.
Yet, what stands out for me is the awkwardness I felt on stage, not feeling funny or brilliant as I did when I imagined the speech in the privacy of my bedroom days earlier. Then there’s the feeling that when my colleagues; the other speakers; came over to acknowledge me, there was a hint of disappointment. I’m sure they were just being polite while secretly judging my performance.
Hours of fallout. The ride home is a mix of fallen pride; tail between my legs; and self-loathing for the insincere way I interact with everyone around me; being outwardly charming and self-confident while secretly insecure and longing for something I don’t even feel I deserve. I question my whole life path.
And then a friend reminds me of the power of mood. Is it possible that everything I’m feeling is an illusion? Is it possible that the disappointment I’ve read on the faces of my colleagues and clients is deeply colored by how I’m feeling about myself; the result of what psychologists call projection?
Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I really wasn’t that good…but could it possibly have been as bad as I imagine? Probably not….Not given the objective evidence to the contrary; sales, praise and such. Either way, the path to salvation in this moment doesn’t lie in making an accurate assessment of my performance or in fixing the past, which of course can’t be done.
My salvation lies in figuring out what I need in this moment. What do I need to feel joyful and hopeful and lighthearted? What do I need to overflow with self-confidence so I’m not hungry for the acknowledgement of others. Especially since even when I get it now, it doesn’t go in.
Here are a few things that begin to help. How much they help, I can’t honestly say yet. But, these are the things I’ve found useful in the past, and which I’ve recommended for others with good success.
First, I count my blessings. There are lots of things to be grateful for, whether they’re currently giving me joy or not. It may feel like just going through the motions, but in the long run, it helps to connect with these gifts I’ve been given.
Second, I remind myself of my contribution. I may feel like a loser in the moment, but even now I’m engaged in helping a friend in need…and that’s just one of many ways I’ve served others and made a difference. Even if I don’t feel good inside, I serve a higher purpose.
Third, I review the tasks on my plate. What can I remove, reschedule or demote to a lower priority level. It’s common for me to take on a lot and forget that my purpose in life isn’t just to check off a bunch of action items. I’m a human being; not a human doing.
Fourth, I rest. When I’m run down, everything seems darker. So, I remind myself that the presence of a bleak mood probably has something to do with not being properly rested. I take naps, sleep longer, and try to avoid endless hours of TV before bed, eating too much sugar, or anything that disrupts my rest.
Fifth, I find someone who really knows and understands me. It’s so lonely to be isolated in misery. I need intimacy. I need honesty. I need to be able to hang out in all my pain and self-pity, and have someone present who gets me for who I really am, without trying to fix me or feel sorry for me
Sixth, I review my life. This can be a dangerous one when I’m in an unresourceful mood, but at some point I need to consider my choices. Am I doing what I love; what I’m meant to do? Am I making time for myself; for fun, play, love? Am I manifesting my gift, or am I just attached to a particular outcome.
Seventh, I go to the movies. I need to reset my mental state, and immersing myself in a story, usually funny one, often helps me break my patterns. In fact, as soon as I finish writing this, I’m going to check the movie listings.
So, that’s it for now. I don’t know how much this has helped me or you, but I hope that some piece of this was worth writing. Maybe you’ve been in the same place and need a couple ideas of how to get out of it. Maybe you’re there now. Maybe you’ll benefit from knowing that “famous people” deal with the same crap you do. Maybe you’ll just feel closer to me reading this.
Anyway, I think I feel closer to you. I think that trusting you with my vulnerability is a way to create trust in my world, and creating trust in my world is a way to end my feeling of isolation. So, if this was just for me and not for you, so be it. Either way, thanks for reading this, and feel free to share your thoughts.
No recordings this week. Beginning of the month is for more writing and less talking. Have a great week.
PS. THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE TO APPLY FOR THE LIVE PROCRASTINATION ANNIHILATION PROGRAM AT A 90% DISCOUNT. INTERESTED? SEND ME A MESSAGE USING THE CONTACT BUTTON ON MY SITE TELLING ME WHY YOU SHOULD BE PART OF THE PROGRAM.
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