I recently worked with a young woman who was despondent and panic-stricken about her fiancee “going too far” at his bachelor party. She was too wounded to imagine marrying him, despite the love and esteem in which she held him, the conviction that he was a trustworthy guy, or the realization that bachelor parties are a predictable formula for exactly this sort of thing. I gave her some “tough love” and some hard hitting advice. She didn’t need one more person to buy into her “victim mentality,” but someone to show her how, through the eyes of mindfulness, hurts and betrayals can be stepping stones to higher levels of consciousness.

Now, granted, if he was a fundamentally untrustworthy guy, none of what I told her would apply. But, given her non-emotional assessment of him as a “good person” she needed to get at a deep level that it’s NOT OK to let intense pain seduce you into believing you have a right to be righteous.

If we can dissipate our pain, we can move through our hurts, which is the conscious choice. If we can’t, that doesn’t mean we have the right to blame others for causing it in the first place. It’s ultimately about personal responsibility. Once I showed her how to instantly release the hurt, she was free to see the situation in a much more forgiving way, and to breathe a sigh of relief.

So, here are the ten forgiveness principles I shared with her. In a later post, I’ll share the ten steps to rising out of the quagmire of hurt and acting lovingly, responsibly, and powerfully (which, by the way, she did and felt MUCH BETTER!)

The Ten Forgiveness Principles

1. Your inability to forgive says a lot more about you than the person who wronged you
2. Your lack of forgiveness is a bigger betrayal and lack of love than the precipitating event
3. Your amount of pain is not an indicator of the severity of the infraction against you
4. Your pain isn’t about the incident but your history, so you shouldn’t feel entitled
5. You’re not in relationship with a perfect person nor is it their job to make you feel good
6. Your interpretation of the incident is not reality but just the way you see it
7. You have the ability and responsibility to reframe the situation in a more positive way
8. In a healthy relationship, pain is a prerequisite for consciousness growth
9. Expecting not to be hurt is naive and selfish
10. Your logical assessment, not your reaction, is all that really matters

I anticipate some push-back on this, but what you need to realize is that there are two kinds of relationships; conscious and unconscious. The latter, which is most of the Western world, is a relationship built on the premise that I won’t hurt you and you won’t hurt me. Your job is to feed my security addiction, and if you fail to do that, I’ll strike out against you. I’m entitled to whatever I say is what I need to be happy, and if you fall short, it’s YOUR fault…and you will PAY!

The former relationship says, “I’m in this for my own growth and yours, and I’ll give as much love and acceptance as I can. I have boundaries and lines that can’t be crossed (fidelity, non-abusiveness…) but I’ll take full responsibility for my feelings, and when I’m hurt I’ll use the experience to recognize and transform my blind spots, always moving towards greater tolerance and love.

Which relationship are you in? And if you’re in the first kind…how’s that working for you?