I’ve decided to reprint a recent letter to a dear friend in the throes of her struggle with a relatively new relationship. The question was, “Do I stay or leave?” I think my response speaks to a fundamental error we all make when evaluating our relationships. This letter was very helpful to her and I hope it is to you as well. It begins with a quote:
You meet another person and there are qualities in that personality which offend you and qualities which attract you. Some qualities seduce you. Some repel you. Some qualities sexually excite you. Some qualities revolt you. Some qualities interest you. Some fascinate you. Some qualities bore you. It’s only when you can see through all that veil…through all your own desires…that you can see beyond all that to where the other being is. You will do that when you go inside to see where you are…beyond the things in you which attract you and repel you and excite you and bore you. The journey across the great ocean of experience is a journey INWARD. The deeper you get in, the more you meet the truth.
-Ram Dass, Be Here Now
Dear Friend,
I don’t have any agenda for whether you should stay or go, but my concern is that your reasons for staying or going are suspect. You seem to think that the purpose of relationship or lack thereof is the attainment of a particular feeling. He pleases you and you feel happy. He disappoints you and you feel resentful. You leave and you feel relieved. You stay and you feel trapped. It’s all about desire. It’s all about addiction. It’s all ego.
What if your mate were your guru? What would you do with the times he didn’t “meet your needs?” You couldn’t fault him, and you certainly couldn’t disrespect him or criticize him. You’d have only to reflect on your own emotional response, and grow through it.
My concern is that you don’t know why you’re in the relationship. It’s not about having your needs met. It’s not even about compatibility. It’s about doing your work. It’s about evolving towards unconditional love for yourself and the other. Again, don’t stay if it’s too painful. I’m all about appropriate distance. But, don’t go out of disappointment about who he is, and don’t stay out of obligation. Treat the whole thing like a calculated decision to seek truth to whatever extent your current state can handle it.
Above all, stop telling him how to be; how to please you. It’s not fair to him. Stop making sideways comments and backhanded compliments where your real disapproval seeps through. You’re being abusive without realizing it. Before you decide to leave, at least make an effort to go a day, a week, a month saying nothing to him that isn’t respectful and reverential. I’m not saying to hide your feelings but to try treating every one of your disappointments as an opportunity to witness the demanding nature of your addictive mind…and to disidentify from it.
Don’t expect the process to be fun, comfortable, or affirming. It’s going to suck. But know that going in… or leave now.
Leaving is a totally viable option. If you’re looking for fun, compatibility, resonance, etc. you’d be far better off single. You’re way too complex and multifaceted for any one person to fill all your needs for long. Nobody can. If you’re single, you can pick and choose, being with those who please you when you want and being with others when that’s what feels good.
But a relationship is a totally other thing. You decide if it’s got enough viability then slog through all the many ways it sucks, as a spiritual practice. If there isn’t enough compatibility to make it worth all the pain you’re likely to face, leave. But PLEASE stop abusing him! That’s not loving or kind, and it won’t get you what you want.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you. It’s not meant as a slam or a directive. You can choose any path you want and I’ll love you. I’m only saying that whichever path you choose has a code of conduct independent of your emotional preferences, and you must honor that code. Stay and love, or leave and love….But LOVE.
To learn more about Dr. Steve, go to www.stevetaubman.com