One of the exercises I use in my programs is having the group divide into two halves, and then having each half line up facing the other. Each person stands face to face with someone, only inches away, and they look into each others’ eyes. The instruction is to simply gaze. Don’t add anything to the experience. Yet, invariably, people smile, giggle, fidget, break eye contact, squint, make faces, and all sorts of other strategies designed to do something OTHER than what’s required.
People have a REALLY hard time just looking into each others’ eyes…and what does that say? It says we’re terrified of connection. It says we’re filled to overflowing with fear, judgment, self-consciousness, and a profound sense of our own inauthenticity.
The exercise is designed to allow people to become aware of how much is going on inside their heads. We think we’re present, but we’re not even close. Being present means having your mind and body be in the same place at the same time. It means being in a state of acceptance of what is; a state of awareness and equanimity. In a state of real presence, looking into someone’s eyes is simple. You just look.
But when your head is filled with thoughts; about how you look, how they look, what you should or shouldn’t be doing, etc.; you don’t have the real experience. And doing that exercise makes you realize how much you’re living inside your head rather than in reality.
Why does it matter? Because once you allow all the fear and judgment and internal noise to fall away, you become peaceful and open and free. You begin to see things in the other person that you couldn’t possibly have seen while those filters were operating. You begin to experience what true connection feels like.
Many people who do this exercise say they begin to notice themselves in the other person. Some say they feel deep compassion; even love; arising as they gaze into the eyes of the other. First it’s hard, and then it’s amazing. When you get quiet inside, you get to know what’s meant by “We’re all one.”
And, the upshot of all that is people want to be around you. They sense your presence. They feel appreciated and cherished. They trust you. They want to do business with you. They want to spend time with you. They see themselves in you.
So, begin to notice your own walls….and allow yourself to experiment with the idea of letting them fall away. You’ll live a life of greater freedom, peace, and self expression.
If you’d like to participate in a program to deepen your connections with others and with yourself, visit www.stevetaubman.com. We periodically announce public seminars, and you can always invite me to speak to your team.