The article below was written by a dear friend of mine for her friend’s new blog. She sent it to me to read, and I found it so moving, I had to share it. If you are a girl, have ever been a girl, or would like to empower and guide a girl, this is a must read! Share it with the girls in your life….and please share your comments as Mary may want to turn this into a book!
It’s been a long time since I was a girl. But there are times when the person that I was doesn’t seem so far away from me now. I’m glad she still has a place in my life. When I think of being a young woman, I am reminded of a concept I’ve shared with some over the years. It’s this – when you remain purposefully naïve about certain things in your life you will also remain joyful and appreciative and open to learning new things.
I remain purposefully naïve and I am glad that I do. I hope that as you grow, you can also remain purposefully naïve about whatever it is that bring you a sense of wonder and discovery in life. And while you do, you can begin to weave in much of the wisdom and grace you will acquire along the way and that will continue to personify who you are as you age. It’s a good thing. Grace and wisdom are what you earn by living. And yes, that is inclusive of all the lessons that bring hardship, embarrassment, shame, anger, disappointment, envy. It is also through all the lessons that bring joy, enthusiasm, happiness, grace, a sense of accomplishment, and a sense of peace.
I am 53. My hair is grey. My body is experiencing menopause. I have a belly, a butt and thighs. I occasionally snore. If I laugh too vigorously, I sometimes pee. I’ve had a root canal and a dental implant. I now wear bifocals. I’ve married and divorced twice. I’ve had many lovers. I have many fewer judgments about all of this than I would have had at the age of 18, 20 or even 40.
I am also someone whom others sometimes seek out.
I have a good family and a caring partner. I am the mother to a handsome, wise, and compassionate 20 year old son. I am mostly respected for my talents and work, and sometimes I am challenged, envied, emulated, and rejected for what I know. I have friends and extended family in many places, from many cultures, and with many rich experiences of their own which they generously share with me. They make me a better person. I have had many successes and more than my share of failures. Please remember, that if you fail at something, and you will, learn from it and move on. Successes begin when failure has dumped you at its door.
Press on.
Life is a fascinating weave of all kinds of fabric. My quilt is warm and delicious. Sometimes it is all that I require. Sometimes it needs repair or laundering. Still, I am able to wrap myself in it every day and I am grateful. This is what we define as “having no regrets”. Regrets are anchors. Don’t hold them too close. Cut yourself loose.
My life is colored by a woman’s experience and perspective. I can be no other. I, like you, came into this world female. We find our fit in whatever culture or society in which we make our entry. We grow up. We learn discernment. We change. Or not. At fifteen, I didn’t know this. At twenty, I was just beginning to experience it. At fifty-three, I sometimes marvel at the fact that I’ve been where I’ve been, experienced what I’ve experienced, lost, loved, and learned.
Continue. Life is about continuing to live it.
Here is what I have to share with all young women. I hope it is helpful to you in some way.
Be truly who you are in this world, in this life. You are here with a purpose only your own. Without you, specifically you, the world would cease.
Sounds heavy, I know. But I believe it to be true. From a purely scientific point of view, the physics of our being here is this: In our absence, there would be a black hole. There would be a gap, a disconnection; there would not be that critical staple, nail, the glue that is the bond between all things.
That bond is you.
Do not treat yourself with any less respect than knowing the significance of this truth. The bond that holds the world together is you. You are essential. And your being here makes everything possible.
This is your own journey – nobody else’s. Know that you get to choose and follow your own path. You do not have the right or responsibility to choose or follow anyone else’s. Do not be arrogant. Learn from humility and remain humble. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments, but try to lessen the prideful-ness. And, if it occurs in your life, do not succumb to the seduction of playing victim – regardless of what is presented to you. Doing so, victimizes you a second time. Be strong in and of and for yourself and all things will fit into place as they should –despite what you may think. Be clear that you are doing the choosing of whatever it is you choose, for yourself. Live by those choices. Learn from them. Be responsible to them.
Have no regrets – just relish the opportunities that come your way to learn and grow. If you do have regrets, forgive yourself and move on. Don’t wallow. There isn’t time for that – you have many more important things to accomplish, to know, to experience and to impart.
Along the way, try not to hurt anyone or anything. Try to avoid hurt but if it is visited upon you ask for help. Get away from what is toxic to you. Whatever it is also infects everything around you. Hurting anyone or anything really sucks. When you hurt others; ultimately, you hurt yourself. Still, forgive. Deep in your core, forgiveness liberates you and it provides the passageway that also liberates the person who offended you – whether they choose to be liberated or not. That is not your problem. If you create the hurt – Apologize. Ask for forgiveness. Then let it go.
Think of circles that ripple out from a stone when you toss it into the water. Your actions and your thoughts are like the circles from the stone and the water. What is it that you want to send into the world? How do you want to be? Who do you want to be? If, through impulsivity, carelessness, or lack of courage you do or say something that has a bad effect on someone else, you not only do them a disservice; you do it to yourself. So choose not to. What may seem inconsequential or excusable is the fiber on which you build your character. Make it strong and of good quality. And that is who you will be in your life and in the lives of others. You will last.
Laugh more.
Find the humor and absurdity in life. Watch a video of your favorite musical artist with the sound turned OFF! You will be amazed at how funny they look! Life is not as serious as we make it. Find the joy; find some joy in something, every day. It will change your point of view and it will be a delightful infection that others will catch.
When I was sixteen, or thereabouts, I was terribly serious – sometimes bordering on morose. It is my nature to be introspective, introverted, and more of a thinking person than an acting person. But there are limits to even this. Being too serious at too young of an age sucks the joy out of you and weighs others down. I see people in their teens with such a self-imposed burden of seriousness. Yes, be serious about the things that matter, but do so with a quest for also finding what makes life, and living it, joyful.
Live with purpose and enthusiasm. It matters.
Know that it (whatever it is) is not always about you. Most of the time it isn’t. Let it go. Move on.
Learn to bend at the knees.
Think of how waves crash against your legs when you walk in the surf. If you don’t bend your knees, you get knocked over pretty quickly. However, if you remain flexible, “bending at the knees”, you learn how to feel and float with the rhythm of the waves and remain standing for a much longer time. There are powerful things in this world that can overwhelm us. Bend. Feel your vulnerability, but also feel your strength.
Hang out with old people sometimes.
Despite what you may think, if you think this, old people are wickedly cool! They generally love and welcome your company, too. Some of the finest, most interesting people I know are easily 30-40 years older than I. Many of them have come to be less judgmental over the passage of time. That’s good energy to be around. When in their company, I learn what it means to “let things lie”, to enjoy the simple pleasure of a good cup of tea and a good, true companion. And, don’t think they haven’t thought of or done half of what you are thinking or doing. They have. And they really do have some wisdom about the world that you can benefit from and that will catapult you forward in good ways if you give them the opportunity to share it with you.
Children, too. Be a mentor and a friend. Respect them as human beings. They learn respect from the way they are also respected. You are not too young to be a role model. There is someone out there who is craving your time and attention and caring. Find them.
Be very careful of ego. Understand that ego is a dangerous seducer. It is a great separator. That’s not why we are here. Ego is a false god.
Know that there are only two true emotions: love and fear. Choose love every time. It will always lead you in the right direction; fear cannot. Stay away from it.
Love equals faith, kindness, generosity, humility, joy, enthusiasm, laughter, etc.
Fear equals despair, greed, avarice, anger, destruction, pathos, arrogance, etc.
Choose love. Choose love. Choose love.
Show gratitude – for, about and to everything.
Kindness is always beautiful.
Compassion is an exercise. It cannot be perfected in this lifetime, but practice it every day.
What is popular is not necessarily great or even good or good for you.
Pick up trash. ‘nuf said.
Drink water, not soda, not beer, not wine (okay, sometimes wine). And drink water from a tap, not a plastic bottle that choke and overflow landfills.
Shop at farmer’s markets and on the outside aisles of grocery stores – that’s where all the fresh, healthy stuff is. You are allowed to step into the aisle where toilet paper, tampons, and toothpaste reside. Avoid the soda and chips aisle altogether.
Ask questions.
What are your top five favorite movies of all time? Books? If you were forced to survive on a deserted island and could take five things with you, what would they be and why? What are the five foods you could live on for an entire lifetime if you had to choose just five foods? Who is the person who’s made the biggest impression on you so far in your life, and why? What are your five favorite songs of all time? Who’s the most inspired human being on the planet – now, and throughout history?
Ask questions of others. Show interest.
Do not crush insects – even ones that make you squeamish. Find a safe place for them and take them there if you happen to find one in your sugar bowl, bathtub, or elsewhere. Move worms out of rain puddles so that they don’t drown. I did this with my niece once and she insists on doing it still. Walks with her mother, (my sister), after a rainstorm can now be interminably slow! My sister has yet to forgive me- but in a good way!
If someone knocks something off a hanger in a store, rehang it.
Do something nice for somebody else, quietly, without being noticed.
Read. Your world and world view will be forever changed by the voices, creativity and wisdom of others.
I could recommend:
A Child’s Christmas in Wales – Dylan Thomas. Read it, or something else like it, aloud at holiday time with family and friends. Give each other parts and enjoy the company of each other; rather than the commercialism of the holiday.
Read books about perseverance, nature, gratitude, generosity, humility and self-awareness like:
Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
The Long Walk – Slavomir Rawicz
Black Elk Speaks – Black Elk
John Adams – David McCullough
Spoken Here – Mark Abley
The Velveteen Rabbit – Margery Williams
Read poetry of any kind. Songs are poetry, too. Find the masters at their craft and come to know them.
Seek out art. It is the story of our souls. Why would we relegate it to secondary status?
Remember that not everybody is a star athlete, student, hip-hop artist. So what! They need an appreciative audience. Be that for them. Champion what is great in others. But never disregard your own talents or think anyone else’s talents are greater than your own. They are not; they are just different. If you truly explore all that you are gifted with – you will be surprised at the profound difference that will make in your life and in the lives of others.
Yet, if you have a voice – sing! I wouldn’t sing in front of anyone until I turned 50. People say I have a lovely voice. They like hearing it. Why did I wait so long? Is there someone better? Of course! Sing anyway! Same is true if you have any talent of any kind, use it. That’s why you are here. Don’t ever be shy about your gifts.
From Marianne Williamson comes my favorite quote about “being” in the world, and it is this:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Seek and see God – (whatever you think of as “god-like”) in everything. Recognize the soul in each thing, person, being, experience, and you will be richer for it. It can be done without saying a word or professing a faith. I believe we are here for a purpose and have been gifted the opportunity to realize that purpose – if we so choose. So, look for the soul in all things. To me, it is looking for the “Ahhh” in all – Yahhhweh, Ahhhlah, Tunkahhhshilaaah, Buddhaaaaa, Gaaaahhhd.
Remember your moments of grace and be thankful when they come. They are a profound gift.
We all have epiphanies – those moments of truth that transcend. They come at times of great joy, great stress, and sometimes when we least expect it. For me, one of my most profound moments of grace occurred in 1989. I was driving my car down a city street heading to work and deeply worried about something. There was a choice I had to make – very black and white. There was no middle ground about it. In that moment, I remember offering that worry up to whatever would consider it, without any sense of knowing how or if things would resolve, and knowing, too, that what I wished for might never be given, yet trusting that whatever was given to me, was meant to be. In that moment, a deeply peaceful feeling came over me. I had the sense that I was heard and that what I asked for was already taken care of. Two years later, it was, beautifully so. And twenty-three years later, I still remember that day and that moment vividly. And when I look at my son, I know that gifts of grace are as real as he is.
I will say it again, “Moments of grace are profound gifts. Acknowledge and remember them when they occur.” They are benchmarks for you to pivot from. And they are never wrong. Realize and be grateful for the lessons that are gifted to you through these tender, generous intuitive leaps of understanding. They are gifts from the great oneness of the world in which we live and they come from a universal language we share with all beings.
Lastly, to be inspired, surround yourself with inspiring people.
Come to know someone who is inspiring, perhaps, someone beyond anyone in your current sphere of influence. Acknowledge them for what it is that they share with you. It could be someone who is famous for something; or not at all. Learn about them. Read about them. Ask questions about them. And finally, write a letter to the person who has inspired you in some way – and send it to them.
To be who and what you want to be in life, seek out your teachers and mentors in what it is you want to be. They are there, and they are waiting and hoping that you will ask for their guidance. You give them a great gift when you seek them out.
Celebrate who you are, where you are, what you are, and how you are.
Know that you are no greater than anyone else; but that you are no less.
And if you can hold one word in your soul, consider this one:
“Namaste” which, in the Hindu language, means, “I honor the place within you where the entire Universe resides; I honor the place within you of love, of light, of truth, of peace; I honor the place within you, where, when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us.”
I wish you to know how truly great you are, what a gift you are to the world, and I thank you for the opportunity to spend some time with you here. Thank you.
Namaste,
m.
Mary L. Collins
tel: 802-371-8125
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